(This is just a suggestion ladies!)

What you might want to consider doing after discovering your partner's betrayal is to start focusing on yourself.

Really, Vanessa!?! Are you serious, that's the secret to healing from betrayal?

Hear me out. I speak from practical, real-world, live-though experience.

Yes, start focusing on yourself.

(not to be mistaken for “blaming yourself” – his actions are his own…let me be crystal clear… his betrayal… Is. Not. Your. Fault.

Focus on you. 

Regardless of whether he shows remorse and lives within your newly established or reinforced boundaries or if he is not going to support you, you will find your way and your own circle of support for your own healing.

Here is the secret I learned:

     as you stop focusing on him,
          as you stop asking the questions,
               having repeated arguments,
                    exhausting yourself trying to get him to "get it",
                         he is going to think you've finally "let it go" and most likely will show some sort of relief.

That's exactly what happened to me and many of my clients.

The less I engaged with my husband about the past, the happier he became.

But what he didn't know at the time, and I didn't really know it either, was that I just did this naturally because I was exhausted from years of gaslighting, I was disengaging from being everything to everyone…my cape was too dirty and frayed. I was finding myself.

Not only did I stop being obsessed with his past, and his story, I also stopped engaging in all the day-to-day mundane things as well.

When he wanted me to watch reruns or a sports game on TV with him, I thanked him but politely told him I was going to be in my office crafting my next video, blog, or some other activity to support my mission and purpose.

When he wanted to do something that seemed trivial to me, I politely declined, told him I needed to practice some self-care, and took a hot bubble bath.

When he wanted me to go run errands with him, I chatted the whole time with excitement about a new blog I had written, a new book I was reading, some classes I was taking, a workshop I was developing, a reel I just created, or anything related to my purpose. 

I went on walks in nature by myself. 

I started to enjoy being my authentic self, no longer everyone else’s version of me.

I started to express how I was feeling in my body in a positive way.

I liked myself better when I wasn't focusing on him and what he did, trying to get the truth, and all that goes with living in survival mode.

So, what was happening here - he slowly began to see me differently. 

He started to see a new woman because I was actually becoming a new, fierce, woman!

So, what he thought was a blessing in the beginning, over about a 9-month period, became a stark realization.

I was moving on.

Not tethered to him.

I was taking care of myself...and spending time on me.

Not him.

I was growing and learning...and living my purpose.

Without him tethered to me.

That was a critical moment in our relationship. Our co-dependency lifted.

I fell in love... with my reflection and who I was "becoming" (I was always there just under the surface of everything to everyone).

Now we enjoy each other’s company.  It is respectful of each other’s needs and within the boundaries, I put in place and that he lives within.

Still married, happily… minus those ugly years reflected with an asterisk on the number of years. 

It is possible. 

It is a long hard road.

It is possible to heal from betrayal if that is what you want. It is possible to stay married after betrayal if that is what you want.  

Either way, my suggestion remains… focus on you.

I'm only telling you what worked for me and dozens of my clients.

It's an example of how the more you focus on you, the less you focus on the past.

Two things will probably happen: you begin to heal from betrayal, which is awesome for you, and he sees you beginning to live without him, which might be a good thing as he learns to appreciate you more as you grow into the woman you were meant to be.