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Gaslighting and Trickle Truths: Unraveling Deception in Betrayal

Gaslighting and Trickle Truths: Unraveling Deception in Betrayal

3 Types of "Truth Tellers"

She once believed in every story he had to tell. ~ Nothing Man - lyrics by Eddie Vedder

Blog by Vanessa Cardenas, Trusted Advisor for Betrayal & Transformation

Being betrayed hurts. It hurts like hell. There is no greater hurt imaginable. Whether you discovered your intimate partners' betrayal accidentally, or he* told you he had an affair, a fling, a sexting thing, or anything that was kept secret, the simple fact is that he committed a crime against your relationship and has changed you forever.

Photo by Sasikan Ulevik, Unsplash                                                                                 *all pronouns are applicable

Then the "fun" (gaslighting) begins...with drips and drabs of information otherwise known as trickle-truth

You will be faced with one of three "truth-tellers"...a denier, a gusher, or a trickler.

A denier will deny the affair or "anything" else is happening, make you feel like you are going crazy, and fill you with self-doubt (gaslighting).

A gusher will explode with all of the truth right away, whether they were caught or whether they willingly disclosed it.

A trickler, on the other hand, reveals information slowly, over time, possibly telling lies to conceal certain aspects of the truth until they are ready to let them out in a slow and controlled way, thereby delaying you from having the “complete truth” for some time.

When your whole world comes crashing down, and you are given the devastating news, you really do start to question what was ever “real” in your life. In order to make sense of the information, many betrayed find themselves asking a ton of questions designed to piece together the puzzle, create a timeline of events, and make sense of what (the F**K) happened.

It isn’t enough to know that he cheated.

We want to know where, when, how often, with whom, in what way, what he did, and most of all WHY he did it. 

We want to know if she was prettier than us, if she was smarter, if she was better in bed, if she was thinner, if she made him laugh more, if she was….betterWhat about her made him cheat?

There is a way to minimize trickle-truth. Remember, that trickle-truth tends to happen because he feels scared and extremely ashamed. He is less likely to tell you the complete truth if he thinks it will harm him, that 

  •  you will walk out, 

  • you will threaten to take the kids, 

  • you will divorce him, 

  • you will tell others, or

  • you will use whatever information he provides as ammunition against him later.

Remember if you are going to ask for the information, you have to promise to use it for your own knowledge and that you won’t turn it around and use it as a weapon. No one will offer you a gun if they think you are going to turn around and shoot them.

Reassure him of why you want to know, and that you won’t hurt him with the information. Reassure him that although it might hurt YOU like hell, you will do your absolute best to process the information that comes in a way that is healthy and helpful to both of you.  It is best to have a full disclosure consultation with a trained therapist or marriage counselor in a safe non-judgmental space where you both feel safe to share and work through all the emotions that will come with full disclosure.  Many betrayed also request a polygraph.

Once disclosure is behind you and you know all the details that you want to know, moving forward with any support person is advised.

This is what we did years ago, after working with our marriage counselor, I transitioned into working with a coach. 

All of this is to say that you are not alone. I am sorry that you have gone looking for specialized help like this, but I am also so grateful that you found me.

I have been where you are, and I am on the other side of betrayal with a map and a flashlight.

Together, we will get you through all the feelings that you have, because there are, and will be, many along your journey. 

Please SHARE Beyond Betrayal Blogs

How to Rebuild Life After Infidelity: Thriving Post Betrayal   

If you found this blog helpful, kindly pass it along to others who might also find value in these insights. 

Empowering Books for Healing and Recovery: Discover Vanessa Cardenas' Insights as the Trusted Advisor for Betrayal & Transformation

Dealing with the Devastation of Your Partner's Betrayal:

How to Talk to Your Kids, Parents, In-Laws, Friends, and Others

Betrayal book by Vanessa Cardenas
E-book Got betrayed immediate action steps to take today

Dealing with the Devastation of Your Partner's Betrayal

How to Talk to Your Kids, Parents, In-Laws, Friends, and Others

Over 500 Ways to Talk to a New Man After Betrayal

Great conversation starters!

Betrayal book by Vanessa Cardenas
E-book Got betrayed immediate action steps to take today

Got Betrayed?

Don't know what to do?

You are not alone!

Immediate Action Steps

Quick Guide

Meet the Guide: Vanessa Cardenas, Your Trusted Advisor for Betrayal & Transformation

Vanessa Cardenas

Vanessa Cardenas, Trusted Advisor for Betrayal & Transformation

Vanessa Cardenas, Trusted Advisor for Betrayal & Transformation

Vanessa Cardenas is a Trusted Advisor for Betrayal and Transformation who specializes in guiding clients through the difficult and isolating experiences of betrayal, loss, and heartbreak. Vanessa offers a safe and empathetic space for those feeling overwhelmed, devastated, or alone, with a commitment to helping clients transform their pain into lasting liberation and profound change. 

Vanessa's own journey of growth and self-discovery began when her 20+ year marriage was shattered by betrayal, which prompted her to seek wisdom and guidance from renowned experts in the field. Drawing on insights from experts such as Esther Perel, Edith Eger, Debi Silber, Michelle Mays, Dennis Ortman, and Katherine Woodward Thomas, as well as her Industrial Psychology degree, a 20-year career in C-Suite Leadership and Mentoring, and her Evercoach Certification, recognized by the International Coaching Federation, Vanessa is well-equipped to help clients navigate their unique situations. 

Vanessa warmly welcomes clients at any stage of their journey, whether they are grappling with the shock and grief of betrayal, seeking clarity about staying or leaving, navigating separation or divorce, or addressing unhealthy relationship dynamics. With her warmth, intuition, and insight, she brings wisdom and compassion to the healing process, enabling her clients to experience wholeness, well-being, and freedom they never thought possible, one powerful chat at a time.

"The most important things are the hardest to say…locked within, not for the want of a teller, but for the want of an Understanding Ear" Stephen King, The Body

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